CONWAY, SC – Last Saturday night, Nathan Hayes suddenly woke up to loud banging noises, followed by a screeching car alarm, only to find his 2013 Dodge Dart sitting on the family driveway vandalized beyond recognition. Hayes managed to catch a glimpse of the escaping hooligans who bore a striking resemblance to the Japanese Tokyo-based animation studio J.C.Staff, producing works in the industry since 1986. The beloved vehicle, which Hayes still recalls fond memories of, had been turned into an empty husk of what it used to be.

“I can’t believe they’ve done something like this,” Hayes lamented, recalling the times when J.C.Staff was one of the biggest names in the industry, releasing beloved cult classics such as Toradora, Nodame Cantabile, and Utena.

J.C.Staff has been reported as a suspect for dozens of other cases over the past few weeks of things being suddenly ruined. Widespread anger with seemingly no limit has grown as the cases pile up.

According to another area resident, Sarah Gardner, J.C.Staff ruined her salad after having left it on the table for several hours. Adding to the claims, neighbor Daniel Moore suspects that J.C.Staff ruined his laundry by mixing in dark colors with his white clothes.

“God dammit, J.C.Staff! This used to be a nice, quiet neighborhood,” visibly angered Moore yelled, wearing his destroyed, gray laundry. “Before I only had to be on the lookout for those Deen and the new Toei kids. Now there’s yet another name on the list.”

Local police officers rushed in to deliver a public safety announcement, detailing that J.C.Staff might also be the Antichrist and a spawn of Satan. The announcement further reinforced the theory that J.C.Staff just might just be the primary reason behind global warming and the ultimate heat death of our universe.

LOS ANGELES, CA – With rumors and leaks abounding at E3 this year about the upcoming remake of Final Fantasy VII, Square Enix managed to keep details of franchise favorite character Tifa Lockhart under wraps. While there was little backlash over Tifa’s new design, fans have questioned the decision to hire veteran comedian and famed voice talent Gilbert Gottfried as her voice actor.

“Mr. Gottfried is a consummate professional whom we believe is the best choice to bring Tifa to life in the upcoming remake,” director and belt enthusiast Tetsuya Nomura told the media in response to the ensuing outcry.

“Although we had original selected him to portray Cait Sith, after hearing him run through some dialogue from a h-doujin as a vocal exercise, there was no other choice we could of made.”

Subsequent rumors emerging hours after the press conference indicate that Danish actress Stefanie Joosten — best known for her portrayal of Quiet in Metal Gear Solid 5 — was originally offered the role but declined in order to work on Hideo Kojima’s upcoming project Death Stranding. Unfortunately, it has since become apparent her role in Death Stranding was similarly recast without her knowledge, with the character of Fragile, now being played by French actress Léa Seydoux.

Gottfried himself took to social media, attempting to stem fan furor at his recently announced selection.

“To all Final Fantasy fans, I want you to know it is a true honor to portray a character that is so widely loved, and that so many have grown up with. I will sincerely do my best to depict Tifa with as much tact, grace and sensitivity as I can muster. I mean come on, have you seen the size of her BADONKERS?”.

This year at E3, Game Freak announced that Pokemon Sword and Shield would be breaking series tradition and not allow for all Pokemon from previous generations to be transferred to the new games. Although this news initially distressed fans, a following interview with Pokemon producer Junichi Masuda abated concerns about the games’ new direction.

Masuda explained that the decision to cut Pokemon came down to keeping everything balanced and giving all the Pokemon that appear in the games a chance to shine. Fans initially believed this would mean only including Pokemon of about the same strength. However, Game Freak has subsequently revealed that the Pokedex will include Pokemon ranging in strength from pseudo legendaries, like Tyranitar and Hydreigon, to previously weak fodder, such as Noctowl and Butterfree, indicating that Game Freak plans on completely rebalancing the game from the ground up.

“For generations Game Freak has introduced progressively stronger Pokemon into the game while leaving the old ones at the same strength, but with their new focus on balance Game Freak seems to be indicating plans to alter the stats and abilities of practically every Pokemon in the game.” one Smogon community member commented. “I mean, just from the currently revealed Pokedex we can infer that the developers are planning to make Gyarados just as competitively viable as Seaking. That’s going to be a ton of work and require a bunch of mechanical changes, much more difficult that simply importing in all the Gen 6 models again and calling it a day.”

Fans were also intrigued by Masuda’s statements that Game Freak would be focusing on higher fidelity and higher quality animations. Game Freak released an E3 demo of Sword and Shield which has similar animation quality to the previous two generations, but fans have assumed that the developers are hard at work creating specialized attack animations for each of the Pokemon in the now smaller Pokedex. Fans were particularly curious to see how Generation 8’s newest feature, Dynamaxing, will have higher animation quality than the specific models and animations of the now cut Mega Evolutions and Z Moves, given that Dynamaxing currently appears to be just making the normal Pokemon models bigger.

Masuda stated that the team evaluated the best selection of Pokemon that appeal to the widest audience of fans, as evidenced by the inclusion of classic beloved Pokemon such as Garbodor and Vanilluxe. In fact, Masuda is confident that the cut Pokemon will not be missed.

“Pokemon has never been about finding that one special, obscure Pokemon out of hundreds and forming an emotional bond with it that can stretch over 10 years and several different consoles. Going forward, we will focus exclusively on the classic key appeals of Pokemon: challenging gameplay, fair balance between every available Pokemon, the highest possible quality graphics, and new designs for porn fanart.”

GERO, Japan – Local villagers were disappointed today when their local shrine god, Kaeru, came to life and wasn’t cute in the least according to negative posts made on social media.

Shrine volunteer Makoto Hieda recalled seeing a blinding light after local high schooler Jin Morisato ran into an old frog statue. “We were so excited that some cute and lovable girl was going to appear and then all we get is a boring and plain above average sized frog that can talk.”

Other villagers stated their overall disapproval of the newly animated Kaeru’s behavior.

“I thought gods were mischievous and did cute stuff, like in anime. This guy just sits here and tells people to respect the shrine and live moral lives,” local resident Chikane Kuroki told Anime Maru. “We totally got ripped off as a village by having this guy as our shrine god.”

Visits to the shrine have noticeably decreased since Kaeru became animated again.

“People used to come here and have a small laugh that the shrine was devoted to a frog god,” said food cart owner Takumi Tachibana. “Now people aren’t laughing, they are going to shrines that have cute deities or at least have the mystery of not knowing what the deity looks like. We’re talking about adding a mascot or something.”

Some villagers report have developed strategies for dealing with Kaeru.

“He keeps going on about how there are other gods still to free in Gifo and that a group of us should take it up as a quest,” said Mai Mikuriya. “But if the other gods are like him and not cute girls, what would be the point?”

Anime Maru was offered an interview by Kaeru but we chose to decline it, as we needed to investigate an online rumor that a local forest was haunted by a cute catgirl maid.

United States Border Patrol agents have begun conducting training exercises this week with experimental military prototype equipment known as “Three-Dimensional Maneuver Gear”.

Developed by Jaeger Prazision Werke GmbH, a private tech contractor based in Germany, the 3D Maneuver Gear is specially designed for soldiers defending walled fortifications, such as the barrier which partially covers the border between the United States and Mexico.

While how exactly the Maneuver Gear functions is classified information, it is said to supposedly use gas-powered grappling hooks to grant its wearer enhanced mobility and unique combat abilities.

The prototype is the result of a multi-billion dollar program to bolster security along the U.S.-Mexican border and reduce rates of illegal immigration – one of the primary goals of the current administration. However, some have been critical of the results from early trial periods, casting doubt over prospects for the project.

“The 3D Maneuver Gear has proven ineffective in every exercise conducted so far,” reported one Border Patrol commanding officer. “In most cases, both security and combat ability fell by more than half.”

“It honestly feels like something out of a comic book,” stated another agent participating in the trial runs. “It’s incredibly unwieldy. Unless you’re aiming for something incredibly large, I don’t see how it would work.”

Engineers behind the project cite the environment as the primary factor in the device’s lackluster performance. The Maneuver Gear, they claim, performs best in heavily wooded or dense urban areas where the grapple system can be fully utilized. In contrast, most of the U.S.-Mexican border is arid desert.

According to project lead Dr. Levi Ackhurman, there was also some miscommunication regarding the overall direction of the program.

“When I read ‘walled fortification against considerable threats’, I expected something more… substantial in size. Like, say, giant monsters?” Ackhurman explained. “I did not expect the ‘threat’ to be unarmed civilians.”

With Persona 5 being one of the most lauded JRPGs of the current generation of video games, it is only natural that fans new to the series go through the series backlog for earlier titles. But oddly enough, after completing Persona 4,released in 2008, and Persona 3, released in 2006, most newcomers to the series simply hit an insurmountable wall in the form of the complete non-existence of a Persona 2. While some simply say that the title is too rare or old to find a copy of at a reasonable price, others claim that it more likely seems as if all existence of Persona 2 has been erased from the face of the Earth.

“I can’t find any information about the damn thing anywhere,” commented one 2chan user. “You’d think that for a series that has been around for twenty years it would use its history to its advantage, but in Persona’s case it seems like there isn’t even anything prior to the third game to reference at all. What gives?”

When asked about the subject of Persona 2’s existence, Atlus of Japan released the following statement to Anime Maru: “We are aware of the issue and have meant to correct the record on the matter for some time. As most are aware, the Persona series of video games actually started with Persona 3, and there has never existed, and never will exist in any shape or form, a single game with the title Persona 2, let alone two.”

“Any evidence of the game in media, such as a release on the PSN Network or a physical release for the PlayStation, are false and should be disregarded as symptoms of your own failing memory and lack of connection to the collective unconscious,” Atlus of Japan added in response to claims of the second game’s existence.

“If you believe you own a copy of Persona 2 in any capacity, please dispose of it as soon as possible before it can taint the labyrinth that is your mind. This should resolve any ill feeling you should have towards Atlus and its parent company Sega, ridding your dreams of the black shadow that threatens to consume the very ore of your being. We hope this clears up any issues our loyal fans may have been having and that they will enjoy the upcoming Persona 5 S, R, T, X, U, A, and Dancing$$$ titles in the near future.”

FORT WAYNE, IN — Spencer Langley, 18, announced on Twitter today that he finds Ikari Shinji, the protagonist of the new Netflix Original Series Evangelion, whiny.

“The mechs in Evangelion have that cool retro look, but that Shinji is a whiny little bitch,” Langely tweeted to his 86 followers. “I don’t think anyone else has really made that observation yet for this brand new series.”

Others on Twitter and Facebook expressed their agreement.

“You’re totally right, Langley, this Shinji kid seems on the whiny side,” said Twitter user OldMechFan08. “They just don’t make mech show as good as they did in the old days like [Tengen Toppa] Gurren Lagann.”

“That Shinji dude better toughen up as the series goes on,” added Twitter DarFranxx5. “This series better have a good ending that wraps it all up, I can’t handle another series that leaves the plot dangling.”

“Shinji is a real wuss! He needs to just get in the fucking robot and fight!” posted Tiffany Winn on Facebook. “I hope the story makes up for this show’s outdated-looking animation.”

We talked to Langley’s sister to see if she had any comments on the topic

“Wait, he is still watching that anime crap?” said Asuka Langley. “That idiot! I hate this!”

Anime Maru also reached out to Langley’s parents, who are long-time anime fans, on his new revelation, but they just shook their heads and refused to comment.

The original run of the classic anime series Neon Genesis Evangelion finally made its way onto the Netflix streaming service today. Anime fans were excited to know that they finally get a chance to watch the iconic anime, or at least many would be if they hadn’t already seen the series by now through other means.

The development is a clear win for Netflix in the competitive video streaming service landscape. Evangelion is a massively popular franchise whose long lasting popularity clearly has had nothing to do with people having seen the show before.

One of the most well known anime of all time, western anime fans have long been frustrated that there was simply no method of watching it. Millions of anime fans are eager to experience the show for the first time, so they can finally understand all the analyses of the show and to complain about how annoying Shinji acts.

“I absolutely love Evangelion, I remember that I wrote my senior paper in high school as a psychoanalysis of various characters in the show,” long time anime fan Travis Grant told Anime Maru. “I am so glad I will finally be able to watch the show.”

Joining the original episodes of Evangelion on Netflix will also be the two related films – Death & Rebirth and The End of Evangelion. Death & Rebirth, retitled as DEATH (TRUE)² in order to seem edgy, is known as an exciting continuation of the television run of the series consisting of entirely new content. The End of Evanglelion, as the name implies, is the final conclusion to the franchise with no other Evangleion related anime following it, giving absolutely no reason for fans to have to look anywhere other than Netflix.

There is no doubt that Neon Genesis Evangelion’s classic opening theme song, ‘A Cruel Angel’s Thesis’, is the definitive top hit among anime fans. But what makes the song so fantastic that it continues to remain relevant over 20 years past its original release? Here are the top 10 reasons why Evangelion’s theme is one of the best songs to ever grace this earth.

#10: It’s the First Thing You Think of When You Think of Anime Songs

The culture impact of Eva’s opening theme can’t be understated. Chances are if you ask anyone to name an anime song, it will be the first thing to come to mind. It’s presence has become a staple of otaku culture that isn’t going to fade from our minds anytime soon.

#9: The Depth of the Lyrics

I don’t quite understand the lyrics, but I put them into Google Translate and it is some serious psychological stuff. It truly says something deep about LIFE. If you still can’t understand, it’s just more testament to how deeply intelligent this song must be.

#8: It’s a Song From the 90’s

The 90’s were just such a different time, a better time in fact. Groundbreaking anime was coming out every week and songs were entirely original and had soul, unlike today. If you are having trouble understanding this, then you clearly weren’t there to appreciate it. 90’s kids understand what makes it so special.

#7: We Were All Young at One Point

The song’s references to rising out of adolescence are not only very relatable, but entirely original. We all remember what it was like to struggle with all the mental and emotional changes we go through during our teen years. If you can’t remember, it means you probably aren’t old enough yet and therefore aren’t a 90’s kid.

#6: The Song’s Versatility

The genius of ‘A Cruel Angel’s Thesis’ is in the versatility of the composition. There have been countless variations and covers of the song over the years. It’s also the perfect hard hitting song to drop for parties. At least I assume it would be if I had ever been to one.

#5: I’m Super Pissed at My Stepdad Right Now

Seriously, why do I even have to listened to him? It’s not like he’s my real family. He really starts to get on my nerves sometimes. Wait, what was I talking about?

#4: Evangelion is a Classic So the Song is Too

One of the most important elements of a good song is that it’s tied to an equally amazing show. Since Evangelion is such a great anime, the theme song automatically must be as well. Bad anime series don’t get great songs from talented artists, this is just a fact.

#3: Religious References

Angels, the bible, and references to the divine – this is some heavy spiritual stuff. How many songs do you know of that have the courage to make such references? The only other thing I can think of that hits as hard while making religious references is my uncle after he’s had too much to drink at Thanksgiving.

#2: My Friend Won’t Stop Talking About it

My friend, Zach, really knows his stuff and assures me that anything that comes out of Evangelion is some of the greatest works you could ever experience. He recommends it to every new person getting into anime. His MyAnimeList profile lists over 30 series at this point so I know his suggestions aren’t to be taken lightly.

#1: Life is Hard and So Am I

I can’t be the only one that finds Asuka’s limp unconscious body kind of hot, right? I dunno, it’s just something about seeing her in that different sort of state. Look, I’m not saying I would just start going at it like Shinji did, I’m just saying I can kind of understand why he might react that way, you know?

SENDAI, Japan – A local office worker arrived home to an unpleasant surprise several days ago when he discovered that his apartment had been utterly trashed by an unexpected visitor.

Salaryman Hisako Nagao, 30, entered his home late Wednesday evening to find that a wild fox had gotten into his apartment while he was away at work. Much of Hisako’s furniture and possessions had been ruined, likely due to the animal panicking as it was unable to find its way out of the apartment. Hisako found that his kotatsu had been ripped to shreds, his bed soiled on, and the legs of his desk gnawed to near pieces. The doors to the closet in the main living area had also been clawed open, spilling boxes and their contents all across the floor of the apartment.

“After another exhausting day at work, this was the last thing I needed to come home to,” the defeated looking man stated. “I was at least looking forward to crawling into bed and putting an end to my stressful day. Instead I found that a fox had somehow broken in. I live on the third floor. How did this even happen?”

The fox also appeared to have gotten into the kitchen where it clawed open the refrigerator, eating what little food Hisako had stored. Several cans of beer had been bitten into and knocked to the side, leaving much of the kitchen floor drenched in liquid.

“I guess it doesn’t really matter. I mainly pick up convenience store food anyway,” Hisako told our correspondent. “Sometimes I wish I had someone else around to help out and maybe pamper me a little.”

Local wildlife services were eventually able to contain the fox and remove the animal from Hisako’s home. In a strange occurrence of events, Hisako’s neighbor, a full time mangaka, had a white furred fox break into her apartment the following day where the animal reportedly chewed the cables to her computer and shredded most of her manuscripts.

SANDUSKY, OH – Local otaku Brent Walker was excited to hear about the two new 5 minute episode anime shows this season focusing on thighs and tights, respectively. However, even at this late point in the season, he remains unsure exactly which series Yatogame-chan Kansatsu Nikki is.

“I saw that Yatogame-chan Kansatsu Nikki was on Crunchyroll as a 5 minute episode show and was so excited as it had to be either that tights show or that thighs show,” explained Walker. “But now I’m through the season and I’m still not sure which it was supposed to be.”

Friends of Walker expressed concern or frustration with Walker related to his situation.

“I feel bad for Brent, he was really looking forward to seeing some ecchi anime, a real rite of passage for any otaku,” said fellow classmate Cynthia Bloom. “Now instead of talking about tights or thighs he just spouts random facts about Nagoya. It’s quite sad. I haven’t watched any anime this season, so I can’t really help him.”

“Brent tries to avoid spoilers for series to an insane degree,” stated friend Dirk Johnson. “I keep telling him he can just look this up on ANN or somewhere but he refuses to do so.”

Walker has continued to try to piece together which fetish series Yatogame-chan Kansatsu Nikki is with little success, refusing to believe it would be something as stupid as just an advertisement for Nagoya combined with cat speech.

“In episode 7 I think I saw a thigh, but only for a second. I’ve seen tights in a few places in the series but they never seemed to do any close-up shots,” explained Walker. “I’m not sure why anime makes it so hard to know. It would be a real service to fans if they just made it clear, blatant even.”

The end of the 2019 spring anime season has brought with it many (thigh) highs, many lows, and whatever the hell One Punch Man season 2 ended up being. But one particular anime has engrossed its audience with the fact that it, by all logic, should have been the most perverted show ever produced for television in Japan.

The title in question is none other than Helpful Fox Senko-San. In this manga adaption, the title character, a 800 year old fox girl dressed like a shrine maiden, appears on the doorstep of a thirty-something salary man and instantly decides that she will take care of him. From there, the tiny fox girl cooks, cleans, and otherwise acts like a mother to the man despite possessing the body of a ten year old girl.

“When I read the description of the show on anime charts, I thought that it had to be some kind of erotic anime,” anime fan Robert Jackson told Anime Maru. “Between the main character being a loli, mother, fox girl, and a shrine maiden on top of it all there was simply no way it could be anything else.”

“But when the show actually premiered, it was nothing but a fox girl doing motherly things and looking after some single loser for 22 minutes. If I wanted to experience that, I’d just stay at my parents place for the weekend or something.”

While many have been disappointed with Senko-san’s seemingly pornographic premise not living up to their erotic imagination, Senko-san has seen success among many anime fans. Reasons for those who enjoy the show, as found by a survey published by Anime Maru, include those who wished to fluff Senko-san’s tail and ears, people who use the word loli on a regular basis, and those who had watched the show by accident assuming it to be a spin-off of Miss Kobayashi’s Dragon Maid.

TOKYO, Japan – Area high school student Rito Shikimori found that his parents had returned from their 786 day trip abroad unexpectedly this morning, according to a Facebook post. The couple had inexplicably left for the trip shortly before their son’s entrance into high school, leaving the teenager in charge of their residence.

“Crazy news, guys. My parents came back. I thought I’d have all of my high school time unsupervised,” wrote Shikimori in a Facebook post. “Though I’m not sure how I will explain my hot cousin, a space alien, a talking cat, and a robot maid I am mistakenly engaged to now all living in our one bedroom apartment.”

Shikimori’s classmates were baffled to find out he actually had parents at all.

“Like, he hasn’t mentioned them even once, and I’m his best friend,” said fellow student Sora Nagi. “I’ve been to his house like a million times and never saw any evidence of them existing. Although we usually get distracted by some wacky hijinks like someone declaring interstellar war or something like that.”

“I don’t like Rito at all, he’s a complete baka,” declared classmate Yui Zenigata. “I don’t care about his well-being at all, but his parents being away for that long has to be illegal, right?”

Anime Maru reached out to the Shikimori’s parents by email for comment on the situation.

“Is it strange? When I was a boy I don’t remember ever seeing my parents at all,” said father Genma Shikimori in an email to Anime Maru. “I think parents being absent is just the Japanese way.”

Anime Maru tried to conduct a face to face interview with parents Genma and Nodoka Shikimori but found that they had already left town, telling family they were going to a hot spring in China. Coincidentally, police were also looking to question the couple related to the disappearance of a priceless diamond that happened to be on display in Tokyo during their visit.

Both little sister Nanako Kimura and childhood friend Chihiro Matusbara announced their candidacy for president of the United States this week, joining the existing 25 Democratic candidates already running for the position. The entrance of two more individuals came as a surprise to most in the already crowded political race.

Kimura describes herself as “everyone’s little sister” and is well known by supporters for her bubbly cheerful demeanor and doting personality. Despite the claim of a family bond, through several not entirely clear circumstances, she is not related by blood.

Candidate Matsubara is a childhood friend known since primary school. Well regarded as being kind and reliable, she is running on a platform of social improvement and equality. Despite her many years of past experience, political experts have predicted a low chance of success for her campaign.

“I love Onii-chan!” declared Kimura in a recent public speech. “It makes me sad that Onii-chan owes so much in student debt and lacks the healthcare coverage that many other industrialized nations provide. It makes Nanako worried sick thinking about how something bad could happen.”

“I’m not running because I… li… like you or anything,” stated Matsubara in response to a question regarding her reason for running. “I’m just doing this because I think there’s a lot that could be done to improve that state of our country is all.”

The Democratic primaries will be a field of tough competition for the two new candidates. Current Democratic candidates have had a varying range of opinions in regards to main political topics such as rising economic inequality, universal healthcare, global climate change, and foreign policy.

“Onii-chan no baka!!” Kimura stated, when questioned about her opinion on how to tackle rising national deficits in a time of slowing economic growth, before demanding that we leave her bedroom immediately.

In a campaign speech, Matsubara conveyed a detailed plan on how she would address the challenges of stagnant wages and the high cost of education, but our correspondent was unable to recall any of it as he did not see her as anything other than a friend.

Democrats will have a difficult time choosing a nominee in time for the critical 2020 election. In addition to Kimura and Matsubara, four additional potential candidates have expressed interest in running including a girl claiming to be a princess from “another world”, a former housemaid, a foreign exchange student, and Matsubara’s own little sister.

LOS ANGELES, CA — Anime Expo began today, and AX officials have already determined their attendance numbers: Everyone but you, the reader of this article.

“Anime Expo has been growing exponentially every year, and this year we’ve finally met our goal: Every single anime fan on the planet is here, enjoying themselves and socializing, except for you. It may sound unbelievable, but look at these photos of how crowded it is.

“It’s honestly a marvel of organization that we’ve managed to cram all 25,386,219 anime fans in the world into 72,000 square feet without excessive crowding or lines,” convention staff member Judy Williams told Anime Maru.

“But if there were just one more person here, it would cause total chaos.”

Anime Expo has encouraged you to look through your Twitter feed and see how everyone remotely anime-related whom you follow is at Anime Expo attending panels, buying exclusive merch and generally enjoying themselves.

“The weather is great, the prices in the dealers hall are low, and all the events are starting on time. We’re just having so much fun without you,” your supposed best friend tweeted 30 minutes ago.

However, seismologists have expressed fears that this year’s AX might be too much fun centralized in one area. Instruments at the nearby University of Southern California recorded a small earthquake this morning reportedly caused by people rushing to the “Audio Engineering with Bang Zoom!” panel.

LOS ANGELES, CA – In a surprising turn of events at Anime Expo today, attendee Nate Thompson has reportedly opened a mystery box and found the legendary One Piece.

The paper box was labeled with a Dragon Ball logo and sold alongside other boxes containing cheap shounen-themed merchandise. When Thompson opened the box he found random keychains, a Funko Pop, an XL-sized T-shirt, and the One Piece — according to a note from Gold Roger congratulating him on finding his treasure.

This turn of events confused the booth’s staff, but when Eiichiro Oda was contacted he confirmed that the treasure was in fact the One Piece.

“I wasn’t expecting anyone to find it this fast, but I’ve always intended for Anime Expo to be at the end of the Grand Line,” Oda told Anime Maru.

“Throughout my story I’ve had the characters visit more and more overcrowded locations, and Anime Expo is the final form of that idea.”

“It’s a pain that someone found it already though, it’s going to make the ending of One Piece a bit depressing. Oh, sorry, spoilers for 17 years from now.”

According to latest reports, Thompson discarded the contents of the mystery box, claiming that he’s “more of a Black Clover fan”.

PHILADELPHIA, PA – Following in the footsteps of fellow Democratic candidate Marianne Williamson, former Vice President Joe Biden has released on Facebook a Little Witch Academia meme to reassure potential supporters of the viability of his campaign.

“The old MAGIC is still here, you just need to believe,” declared Joe Biden through words typed over an image from Little Witch Academia posted on his Facebook page. “The best days of hope lie ahead, just believe in me like we all believed in Akko.”

Facebook users offered support for Biden’s post.

“Joe’s right. We have to believe in the magic, it is what Little Witch Academia taught us,” said Martin Morrisey. “Joe might be a little awkward, it may look like he didn’t study at all for the first debate, but how many anime lead characters fit that same description? I’m sure he’ll still win for us!”

“Joe may not be looking so strong but maybe it takes time for him to get his full powers, like with One for All,” stated supporter Justin Sabat. “Work hard, Uncle Joe!”

Other social media users, however, were divided on the effectiveness of this bold new campaign strategy.

“I’m just not sure if Joe is a real otaku, he might just be pandering for our votes,” tweeted Twitter user RealOtaku2020. “Like, if he had used a JoJo meme I would have believed he was for real.”

“What post are you talking about?” said Instagram user FateStay1998. “I only really use Instagram and Snapchat, like isn’t Facebook just for old people?”

Anime Maru reached out the the Biden campaign on his opinion of Magical Sempai but were told by a staffer he only watches dubbed anime on Netflix.

One of Japan’s biggest and most enduring idol groups, AKB48, has announced today they will be updating all of their active idols’ biographic information to include a descriptor of what their bath water tastes like, in addition to the industry standard information of height, weight, zodiac sign, and blood type.

The move comes in response to web entrepreneur, Belle Delphine, announcing and subsequently selling out of her own $30 “Gamer Girl” branded bath water which, despite being heavily condemned by critics and the general internet at large, has drawn the interest of many corporations dealing in celebrity and brand recognition hoping to similarly profit from the viral phenomenon.

“We feel this will be a great initiative which will add another layer to the connection felt between fans and our idols going forward,” commented Natsuko Yoshinari, President of AKB48’s talent management agency. “We want to reassure everyone who has labeled this move as ‘creepy’ or ‘perverse’ that we have nothing but altruistic intentions with this decision, and see it akin to the rituals performed surrounding ancient Greek shrine maidens.”

In spite of the claims of good intentions, those close to the brand have revealed that renown wine critic Phillipe Se Glisser-Pervertir has been hired by the AKB48 board as a permanent consultant. Sources claim Phillipe has been contracted to provide comprehensive tasting notes for the initial batch, which is rumored to be sold as an artisan good under the pseudonym “Eau Du Bain De Femme” in order to protect the larger AKB48 from potential legal trouble.

With attention around this topic seemingly only increasing, many seasoned economists have suggested the potential for a secondary “idol fluid” commodities market to emerge, which could potentially rival the existing oil and gold trade by 2023.

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#5: Naruto Uzumaki

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAA!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAA!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAA!

#4: Rin Okumura

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#3: Natsu Dragneel

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#2: Eren Yeager

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#1: Asta

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LEICESTER, England – An English man has taken up a personal project attempting to archive a huge digital collection of Japanese cartoon porn at his residence. Richard Dixon, 29, began over three months ago cramming his apartment with computer storage and installing extensive network hardware in order to achieve his goal. The man stated he first started the project in preparation for upcoming legislation which would restrict websites from showing pornographic content to users in the United Kingdom.

The new law would require all pornographic websites to block UK visitors until they pass a form of “age verification”. Such verification would include providing information such as credit card details or a passport number. For those concerned with security, the UK government reassured citizens not to worry as the task of handling such an immersive database of personal information would be given to the lowest bidder from a pool of private companies.

The proposition was supposedly drafted in order to protect children from accessing pornographic content online. Once enacted, anyone in the UK, a nation whose legal age of consent is 16, would be disallowed access to online pornography if they are under the age of 18.

Dixon says the project started out small with only an external hard drive filled with hentai connected to his home computer, quickly growing as he acquired more and more data.

“It started out as a project born out of passion to be honest,” stated Dixon over the whir of a rack of computer hardware behind him. “I didn’t know how far I would be able to get, but I wanted to do what I could to preserve as much as possible.”

Dixon began crawling online communities looking for advice on how to put together such a large amount of data storage, eventually being able to acquire several server units which he filled with arrays of hard drives. He claims that he has been able to save over 200 terabytes of hentai so far. Despite the large collection, Dixon claims there is still much more work to be done.

“Just stuff labeled under the ‘trap’ tag takes up nearly half the space,” Dixon told our correspondent. “I’m hoping to double the amount of storage units by the end of this year.”

The porn blocking legislation was supposed to come into effect this month, but was delayed due to an administration error giving Dixon valuable time to continue building his collection. Dixon estimated that he would be able to get by for as long as four months when the porn block eventually is implemented, after which he stated that he would probably get a VPN or something.