Anybody who has delved deep enough into Anime knows one thing is certain: drifting is only possible with a Eurobeat soundtrack. Ever since Takumi drifted his way into the hearts of anime fans in 1998 with Initial D, this rule has been something of a constant, spawning many imitations and parodies.

The creators of the Drifters anime, airing this season, knew this rule going into production. Director Kenichi Suzuki admitted that “I wanted to [Drifters] to have a Eurobeat soundtrack, but we had to contact nearly a dozen Eurobeat artists to build up a playlist, and crafting Eurobeat perfection takes a lot longer than whatever we paid Hayato Matsuo to crap out in the meantime for the broadcasts”.

Suzuki promised that the Blu-Ray release of Drifters, which is being handled by NBCU Japan, will include the originally planned Eurobeat Soundtrack.

“Look at Initial D, it’s a boring cartoon about a dull kid and his stupid friends who spend more time panicking about girls and puberty than they do racing, but the second the Eurobeat starts playing the show is a classic,” anime fan Kyouhei Ishimura told Anime Maru. “Drifters has been a pretty mediocre show with gore just for the sake of gore so far, but with a Eurobeat soundtrack it’ll probably be the sixth 10/10 I’ve given this year.”

NEW YORK CITY — The National Football League released a study earlier today highlighting the risk of chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE), or concussions in the high octane, action-packed sport of keijo.

Concern about concussions and how they are handled by the NFL have been plaguing the league in the last several years, incidents involving player suicides, suppression of medical records, and weak concussion protocols have put the league under increasing scrutiny. This groundbreaking study commissioned by the NFL fires back at the controversy, noting that the risk for concussions is in fact more significant in keijo.

“Our research confirms that keijo, a sport where women try to knock each other off platforms using their breasts and buttocks, poses a significant threat of serious concussions to their competitors — even more of a threat than football,” NFL commissioner Roger Goodell told the media this afternoon. “So the next time concussion stuff comes up, remember that we are at least safer than keijo.”

Goodell then elaborated on the importance of young children signing up to play football over keijo, citing safety concerns. He specifically pointed out Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski, who abandoned a lucrative keijo career for the safety of playing professional football.

At the conclusion of the press conference, Goodell warned of the potential concussion risks in mahjong, table tennis, and magical trading card games.

DALLAS, TX — Millions are Texans are preparing for the upcoming months as Texas becomes the first state in the country to legalize open carry of anime fandom. In a state where residents have regularly carried shotguns, rifles, and even handguns openly in public, the movement towards opening displaying anime fandom has nevertheless drawn much resistance.

First Amendment advocates have pushed heavily for “open anime carry”, noting that weebs have the right to express themselves while President Obama and congressional Democrats have advocated against the policy because of sheer cringe-worthiness and public decency.

Texas Governor Greg Abbott signed the open anime carry legislation into law earlier this week, commenting that he looked forward to “finally showing the world how much I love Brave Witches.” It allows all residents to express their anime fandom by carrying or wearing any kind of anime paraphernalia. Private businesses that don’t want otaku scaring away their customers can post a notice outside their establishment banning open anime carry on their property.

Lawmakers have clarified that cosplay with weapons must be peacebonded, similar to policies at anime conventions, though they admitted that this policy seemed poorly thought out given the circumstances.

Law enforcement and have prepared for the potential deluge of emergency calls reporting people dressed and acting suspiciously.

“We need to educate people that individuals brazenly expressing anime fandom are not a threat, and  instead of reacting with fear and confusion, one should cringe and silently judge them” Dallas Police Chief Herman Walker stated to the media. “Though I personally cannot wait to start patrolling the street wearing Kirito’s sick black swords.”

Walker noted that furries in Texas still run the risk of getting shot, because many people “just can’t tell them apart from real animals.”

Click the image to view a early edition anime note obtained by Anime Maru

The popular student resource CliffsNotes, a longtime resource used by students to bluff book reports and literature exams, has announced that they will launch a new guide to popular anime. Every week, the site will publish or update a one-page summary of a popular and currently airing show. The guide will include major plot synopsis, an explanation of crucial memes, generally accepted opinions on best girl, and a standard hot take.

According to the product description, this material gives the subscriber “sufficient information to discuss the anime with friends and online.”

“Our new product is especially targeted at busy students, who may not have time to balance studying with watching anime,” Houghton Mifflin Harcourt product director Steven McWaney told Anime Maru. “These new anime guides has enough detail for someone to fully bluff that they are watching a show, without having to spend time watching any anime.”

“I wonder how no one else has ever thought about reading anime instead of watching it.”

Citing licensing costs, company officials noted that unlike the rest of the services on CliffsNotes, anime notes will not be free. While the cost has not been announced, one source estimated it will cost around as much as a Crunchyroll subscription.

Thanksgiving is one of the best times of the year for bringing together families over food and festivities, except for when me-maw starts hitting the eggnog a little too hard and starts angrily reminding you every few minutes on how you only get re-written into the inheritance if you get married “to a real 3D girl”. We get it, election years can be so divisive. But here at Anime Maru we want to make sure that all of our readers can have a happy Thanksgiving, so we compiled a checklist of explaining your anime fandom to your various family members.

Mom and Dad:

Chances are your parents are already disgusted with your hobby, but in case anime is something you’ve gotten into while you’ve been away in college or you just became nocturnal like the average anime consumer as you got deeper into the hobby, here’s some tips:

• Show them a clip of Spirited Away and say “it’s like Japanese Walt Disney!”
• Pretend your body pillow and figurines were always there.
• Understand that this is for the better, they were hoping to find a concrete reason for justifying the lingering feeling of disappointment that they’ve associated with you since you hit puberty. This is their reason now.

Aunts and Uncles:

Your Uncle isn’t allowed within 500 feet of your residence and your Aunt “doesn’t believe in perpetuatin’ a holiday invented by and for the Illuminati to inject our minds with brain-eating organisms through genetically modified turkey”, so unless your family has ham for Thanksgiving you’re in the clear!

Younger Cousins:

Show them Porter Robinson’s Shelter and say “haha isn’t anime ‘lit’?”

Grandma and Grandpa

This is the hard one, Grandma and Grandpa are not only notoriously cranky on Thanksgiving but have been worried about you ever since the noodle incident from Thanksgiving 2004. You can tell Grandpa’s starting to slip a little but Grandma still pretends to know how to use a computer and knows about the anime avatar you have as your Facebook profile picture. Here are some tips:

• Explain it as “something a lot of young people are into now!” By now after watching Shelter your cousins have probably switched into their skimpiest outfits and have learned how to shuffle to head to an EDM festival; use them as reference.
• Whatever you do, don’t mention that it’s Japanese. Grandpa’s from a different time and will be shouting curses at an imaginary George Takei once he gets some booze in him as it is.
• When Grandma asks if you could pass the cranberry dressing, try to avoid mentioning how thanksgiving reminds you of your favorite episode of HenCheffu xxx2!! when your waifu Akari-chan has an orgasm intense enough to water the yam fields after she has a taste of the self-insert Chef MC’s cranberry dressing. I can assure you that this will not go well and you will be taken out of Grandma’s Will.

Hopefully this gave you some insight on sharing your hobby with the rest of your family. From the Anime Maru family, Happy Thanksgiving!

LEBANON, PA — Thanksgiving dinner at the Miller household was permeated by an air of awkwardness last night when 22-year-old Steven Miller got into a heated discussion with his relatives concerning anime girls with male genitalia.

“In eroge and hentai, futanari refers to female characters that have a penis and traps are male characters that crossdress,” Miller explained to his bewildered relatives. “It’s not the same thing!”

The discussion reportedly started when Steven’s aunt mentioned his new Facebook profile picture, which features Fujisaki Chihiro from Danganronpa dressed in skimpy female clothes and a visual bulge. After a brief exchange in which Steven’s uncle referred to Chihiro as a “cartoon hermaphrodite”, Steven could take no more.

“It’s not gay, ok?” Steven continued. “Chihiro-chan might physically be male, but she’s a girl at heart and that’s what matters.”

Approximately 20 seconds of silence followed until Steven’s father calmly stated that similar to last year’s discussion about Mahouka Koukou no Rettousei, they were ruining Thanksgiving dinner. Mabel Carter, Steven’s grandmother, then chimed in to correct her grandson.

“I wanted to tell Steven that according to Danbooru, futa are not female but rather hermaphrodites with male and female characteristics that may or may not be anatomically possible,” Carter said. She then went into detail about variations such as newhalf, no testicle, and full package futanari.

As her family continued to chaotically argue about penises and anime girls, Steven’s mother silently wished they would just to go back to talking about politics.

AUGUSTA, ME — With a sad look on his face, local man David Carvel, 34, set down his Nintendo 3DS and sighed. For the last three days he has been religiously playing on the new Pokemon Sun and Moon games, but the forlorn look on his face as he stares at his closed 3DS tells another story. Far from his youth, when there were a mere 151 Pokemon, it seems that yet another of his childhood dreams has died over the punishing flames of reality.

“Back when I was ten, and there were far fewer of those little bastards then there are now, I made it my mission in life to capture every damn one of them just like the game box said and be a Pokemon Master. But now, every three years it seems like more and more of them just kept coming out of the woodwork and now between my job, wife, and kids, I just can’t keep up anymore.”

David admits that while he still enjoys playing through the various new Pokemon games over the past twenty years, his distant childhood dream of possessing each and every one of them is just as dead and buried as his dreams of playing in a rock band or being a professional tip line guy for Nintendo of America.

“Its not all that bad though, I’ve got a good job and a great family. But every once in awhile I look back to those days when I was a kid and thought that I could capture every freaking Pokemon in existence, just like in the obnoxious songs they kept playing in the TV.”

“‘Gotta catch em all’, it said. ‘Gotta catch em all.'”

“My therapist has said I’ve made great steps towards letting go of the issue to and catch only Pokemon I like or that are useful in a fight. A few more sessions and I think I’ll be totally cured.”

Reportedly, both of David’s children are attempting to capture every Pokemon in Sun and Moon.

“I just hope they don’t give up on their dreams like I did.” he added.

After conducting a 20-year long research project following several people from their birth to current otaku lifestyle, we here at Anime Maru have acquired insightful data on the lifecycle of otaku, a previously little-understood topic. Click on our new and innovate graphic below to explore our findings.

Hello readers, starting today we are posting the top results from our first ever writing contest. We received almost thirty entries and it was a very challenging process judging and comparing them to find the best entries. Over the next week or so, we will be posting the top award-winning entries leading up to the grand prize winner’s post. Today’s entry is by Anime tiddy. You can follow his twitter here.

NORMAN, OK — Local NEET-turned-productive-member of society Chad Wilson, 35, is disappointed by the real world. After watching all three seasons of Working!! and catching up to the currently airing WWW.Working!!, he decided to change his lifestyle by leaving his basement and starting to work at a diner himself — his local Denny’s. While he was initially positive about doing something with his life and making some money for once, his new job has quickly given him a number of problems.

“None of my female co-workers carry around a traditional Japanese sword, none of the chefs look like delinquents, and the manager actually cares if I’m working or not,” complains Wilson. “I had hoped that least my friends from school would come over to hung out, but have you seen the type of people that hang out at Denny’s?”

Other problems Wilson has faced include coping with the sun, remembering to shower, and the lack of subtitles when foreign customers talk.

“No shit his school friends don’t come over — he’s in his 30’s. I don’t even think he had friends back in high school,” Wilson’s manager Abigail Horne told Anime Maru. “Everyday he asks me to cut my hair and color it red-orange, and to make him chocolates; even though I have a restraining order on him after he asked me to punch him daily.”

At present time Wilson is considering quitting his job at Denny’s and is getting a job at McDonald’s to see if Satan works part time there.

Hello readers, we are currently posting the top results from our first ever writing contest. We received almost thirty entries and it was a very challenging process judging and comparing them to find the best entries. Over the next week or so, we will be posting the top award-winning entries leading up to the grand prize winner’s post. Today’s entry is by ogiELman.

Anime studio Xebec announced earlier today that it has started production on the anime adaptation of the manga Chinpo!o, created by Daichi Sorayomi. Localized as Dick Whip Guy, the manga tells the story of a man who aspires to be the best in chinpo!o, a gambling sport where male contestants stand on a floating platform and try to push each other off the platform. The twist, however, is that the contestants are only allowed to use their backside and phallic member.

Xebec President Yukinao Shimoji stated that he is very happy to be working with Sorayomi again. The manga, which was first published just two weeks ago, has gained many followers among the female audience. “It is nice to see a sports anime which finally puts males and females on an equal footing in society,” one woman out of several who were walking away from Sorayomi’s home told Anime Maru.

“I am really glad that my newest work is getting an adaptation so soon after the adaptation of Keijo,” Sorayami told Anime Maru. “I just felt a sudden rush of inspiration after seeing the adaptation of Keijo and reading about its reception on various websites. I believe it was driven by my interest of sports and enjoyment of creative thinking… yeah, I’ll go with that.” After the interview, Daichi quickly returned to taping up holes in his windows and collecting pieces of glass from the floor.

Chinpo!o!!!!!!! is scheduled to air in the spring of 2017, and will reportedly feature even more exclamation marks than its predecessor.

Hello readers, we are currently posting the top results from our first ever writing contest. We received almost thirty entries and it was a very challenging process judging and comparing them to find the best entries. Over the next week or so, we will be posting the top award-winning entries leading up to the grand prize winner’s post. Today’s entry is by ogiELman.

TOKYO, Japan — High profile director Shinbou Akiyuki of Studio Shaft made a shocking announcement last weekend, revealing that he has been blind for the past ten years. The revelation baffled fans but also surprised most of Shinbou’s co-workers. Shinbou has directed many hit series known for their unique visual style, such as Monogatari series, Puella Magi Madoka Magika and Blood Royale, which makes the revelation all the more surprising.

In his confession. Shinbou admitted that he directed several anime while completely blind but was too embarrassed to admit anything.

“Some of my trademark directing choices started off as accidents”, Shinbou explains. “I thought that displaying large walls of text for a fraction of a second on screen is confusing, but to my surprise everyone else on my staff just went with it.”

Shinbou admits that he is shocked to discover that fans have been analyzing his works frame-by-frame while posting lengthy analyses online.

“Over the last decade, I have been afraid that someone would see trough my tricks and learn my secret. With the economy being what it is I couldn’t afford getting fired. Luckily none of that ever happened in the end.”

Some of the staff that Shinbou worked with admitted being suspicious, but never quite realized the extend of the director’s bluffing.

” It all makes so much sense now,” an animator at Shaft who wished to remain anonymous told Anime Maru. “He kept bumping into things in the office and couldn’t use doors properly, but we all thought those were just some of his artistic quirks that were too deep for us to understand.”

“None of us dared to say anything out of the fear of seeming dumb for not just getting him,” another employee commented. “Though I really should have noticed something after Koufuku Graffiti.”

For now, the future of the 55-year-old director is in doubt, though Shinbou himself is not particularly worried about it.

“Thanks to Madoka, I’ve accumulated enough money for an easy retirement; the secret doesn’t really matter anymore”, Shinbou mentioned. He then ended the press conference by announcing that Kizumonogatari Part III has been put on an indefinite hiatus, and reminding the assembled media that it was supposed to be a practical joke anyway.

Hello readers, we are currently posting the top results from our first ever writing contest. We will be posting the top placing entries leading up to the grand prize winner’s post. Today’s entry is by VEXTRR11.

Anime Maru, the world leader in satirical anime news coverage, seems to have shockingly run out of anime and news stories to parody, now reaching out to its readers for more ideas. This came as a disturbing revelation to the world when avid readers realized the recent announcement of the Anime Maru writing contest post was not, in fact, a joke.

The proposed contest invites readers to submit their own anime news parody articles, with prizes promised to the authors of the best entries. While appearing like a good-natured challenge of humorous creation at first, many interpret this move to be an obvious sign that Anime Maru authors have finally reached a collective point of writer’s block, desperate enough to rely on their audience for inspiration under the strategic guise of a contest, after years of painstaking effort to create secretly fake news articles that hardly anyone ever read.

“It’s a shame, really,” blogged one of the three regular commenters on Anime Maru posts. “I used to love all the articles [Anime Maru] published, but it’s as if they didn’t think any of us would notice they were running out of things to write about. I mean, how many articles can they write about Keijo!!!!!!!! or Donald Trump?”

Despite Anime Maru’s substantial backing by their Patreon account of over 10 patrons and a whole $24 per month, one can only surmise that those at Anime Maru have already exhausted all their resources, funds, and brainpower, now with a clearly bleak future. While no official statement has been made by Anime Maru regarding these speculations, many have already given up hope of the contest actually not being an indication of Anime Maru’s certain demise, and have stopped checking the website daily.

Countless otaku around the globe are still in denial of this painful, yet inevitable truth, and others have already come to accept their fate of likely never being able to read about WataDeru or another Ahogamer review ever again. This event has struck people with varying degrees of devastation, but there is a general consensus that Anime Maru’s brand of witty, hilarious, and underappreciated content will be sorely missed.

While the world waits to see which poorly-thought-out article will ultimately win the grand prize, many readers continue to appreciate the true entertainment value of Anime Maru: the idiots that take all the articles seriously.

Hello readers, we are currently posting the top results from our first ever writing contest. We will be posting the top placing entries leading up to the grand prize winner’s post. Today’s entry is by onepunchmeme.

OARAI, Japan – Public outcry and mourning are flood the conscience of this quaint seaside town after what was intended to be a friendly and benign game abruptly erupted into a massacre.

Senshado – literally “the way of the tank” – is a newly developed sport in which female crews engage in tank warfare against other teams of similar fashion. The sport itself is a direct inspiration from the anime series Girls und Panzer, which depicts a group of high-school girls forming a senshado team to prevent their school from closing down.

Earlier this year, the recently-formed Nippon Senshado Association (NISSHA) announced their very first scheduled match: a friendly scrimmage between Oarai Girls’ High School and Otonokizaka Academy. A sectioned-off forest near Oarai was designated as the arena.

The match commenced on a Tuesday afternoon on the 15th of November. However, by the time the match had been halted a half hour later, 15 participants had died and 17 were injured in varying degrees.

Many have placed the blame on the organizers for the outcome, citing their approval to use live, military-grade rounds for the event. NISSHA defended their decision, stating that doing so was “for the sake of authenticity” and to “emulate the anime as closely as possible”.

“In the anime, the tanks are fitted with league-approved armor to keep participants safe,” remarked a NISSHA spokesperson. “In Girls und Panzer, tanks would be pummeled with shells, crash, and roll over, but nobody would get seriously hurt or die thanks to some added armor. It’s a shame this wasn’t the case.”

“When we heard that live rounds were going to be used, we got really scared,” recalls survivor Yukari Hoshinoru. “The only training we really ever got was firing dummy rounds at targets and spending hours on World of Tanks. We were totally unprepared.”

“Our comrades died in the saddest of ways,” explains another survivor, Masaki Gahara. “Houtarou-senpai was very inspired by Nishizumi-san from the anime, so she would poke her head out of the top hatch, just like in the anime. But our tank was hit by shrapnel, and she just slumped over, and that was it. People would also get mowed down by machine-gun fire while trying to escape their burning tanks. It was horrible.”

The participants also complained that the issued school uniforms and miniskirts failed to provide adequate protection, particularly against the numerous hot metal surfaces. Of the 17 injured, six suffered burns and four were hospitalized in critical condition.

“Our hearts and condolences go out to the families and individuals who have been affected by this tragedy,” said a NISSHA spokesperson at a press conference this morning. “We will halt all activity indefinitely until we can ensure something like this will never happen again. However, this won’t stop Saori-chan from being best girl.”

cyb3rpuppet@gmail.com

As the lingering recounts for a handful of races scattered around the country wind down, the long and drawn-out election season has finally come to a close. The big questions have been answered — Republicans have maintained majority control over Congress and Donald Trump will be the next President — but one last unanswered question has moved to the forefront of the national debate: who will be our nation’s Best Girl?

Blocked for years by friction with the Obama administration, the Republican Congress now has a chance to push through a new Best Girl mandate with a newly elected president. During his presidential campaign, Trump received harsh criticism for campaigning on the platform that Kirisaki Chitoge from Nisekoi would be best suited as the true American waifu. He called for heavy tsundere policies during his campaign such as building a wall on the Mexican border, giving more benefits to veterans (but not because we want to or anything), and not returning any of Vladimir Putin’s phone calls. His radical stance alienated him from most of the Republican Party and drew uncertainties as to the success of his campaign.

With Trump winning the Presidency, many have taken the results to mean that Americans perhaps really do have shit taste. Protests have occurred nationwide within the days following the election over angry weebs citizens proclaiming their dissatisfaction. Thousands have taken to the streets in metropolitan areas with protesters holdings up signs with common statements such as “#NotMyWaifu” and “Chitoge a shit”.

“It’s such bullshit,” protester Anthony Moore of Seattle proclaimed angrily while donning a Strike Witches shirt. “I refuse to accept that someone with such shit taste could be capable of leading our country!”

Obama has called for the nation to be accepting of the new administration and to work towards the betterment of the country in the long term.

“We’ve all had a period of bad taste in the past or watch histories we have been ashamed of; it is more important to work together as a nation and come out stronger in the end,” President Obama stated in his weekly address. Obama encountered his own controversy in 2008 when evidence surfaced that he initially gave Elfen Lied a 9/10.

Trump has already begun settling into his new position, stating that he plans to replace the PVC bust of Martin Luther King Jr. placed by Obama in the Oval Office with a floor standing glass cabinet to display figures of his preferred waifu. Some political analysts have speculated that Trump’s push for a National Best Girl may not go as smoothly as expected despite the Republican majority, pointing to past conflicts within the party over the best Love Live. Others doubt that Trump will actually go through with any of the things that he has said in his campaign. Media outlets were quick to point out that tsundere types rarely say what they actually mean and cast doubt on the sincerity of Trump’s past words.

Early reports indicate that besides Chitoge, other front-runners being considered for Best Girl by the Trump administration include Alice Cartelet, Toshinou Kyouko, Ayase Eli, Kirima Sharo, and Megyn Kelly.

Today’s article is the grand prize winner of our first ever writing contest. Congratulations to cultureshock!

KEARNEY, MO — The average high school boy would be heartbroken if his crush acted like she hated him. But for 16-year-old Joshua Ferris, local student and self-professed otaku, this is actually a sign of encouragement; he believes that his crush, classmate Kelly Liebowitz, is a tsundere. A prevalent archetype in some of his favorite anime, tsundere characters can be found in schools, workplaces, and dungeons around the world.

Joshua has experienced plenty of tsun from Kelly, so he hopes it is only a matter of time before her dere side shows through. Kelly regularly calls him names like ‘loser’ and ‘disgusting pervert’ and tells him that she hopes he dies. At times, her attacks escalate to physical violence. Joshua believes that she does these things as an attempt to repress her true feelings of attraction towards him. However, other students in his class see her behavior as an expression of heartfelt contempt.

“Kelly hates him, no doubt about it,” Bryce Jazkowski, Joshua’s best friend, told Anime Maru. “I can’t really blame her. He’s been acting like a jerk since he got into anime last year. We’re supposed to be best friends, but we never really hang out outside of class anymore. And when I see him in class, he acts like I’m supposed to be his comic relief sidekick or something.”

This is not the first time that Joshua has misinterpreted the behavior of girls in his life as signs of romantic interest. In April of this year, he made a misguided attempt to befriend classmate Andrea Yates. Andrea is a quiet girl who sits by herself at lunch and reads every day, which led Joshua to identify her as a dandere. However, as Andrea informed him in front of the entire cafeteria, she was not waiting for Joshua to pull her out of her shell, but wanted only to be left alone. Two weeks later, Joshua initiated an even more embarrassing conversation with his younger sister, Katie. She is no longer on speaking terms with Joshua.

Brenda Stockton, the guidance counselor at Joshua’s school, says that his situation is not uncommon. “Too many young men take their social cues from the fantasies portrayed in escapist entertainment, including the harem garbage Joshua likes to watch,” she said. “Unfortunately, he will have to learn that real life is not like one of his Japanese animes.”

“Although,” she added, “he may be happy to learn that the girl who follows him home from school is a genuine yandere.

Hello, relative of an anime fan desperately seeking out something anime-related to give to your ungrateful cousin! We understand that this time of year can be stressful and that you have no idea what weird stuff otaku are currently into, but this helpful guide can tell you exactly what gift to get that will serve as an olive branch that says, “Hey, we don’t really share any interests, but we’re family, so I’m trying.”

Anime DVDs, Blu-rays, and Manga Volumes

No, don’t go there. For one thing, chances are good that the anime/manga fan in your life is just a filthy pirate who illegally downloads or streams their anime anyway, but even if they aren’t, come on, do you even still use physical media? Yes, there’s some weird otaku out there who still buy Blu-rays, but they’ve already bought the limited edition box sets of the series they like, and chances are you’d inadvertently get them something they hate. If you must buy something in this category, get them a single volume of 20th Century Boys, since chances are they’ve been meaning to pirate it but have never gotten around to it.

Subscription to Crunchyroll or Funimation

Look man, either they’ve got this already or you’re not bringing them around to legal streaming. It’s not worth the arguments, we already went through this on Thanksgiving.

Art Books

Oh, trying to be tasteful, eh? Come on man, these books exist solely to be bought as Christmas presents, looked at once, then put underneath a coffee table, and basically no otaku have coffee tables in their apartments/parent’s basements. Who are you trying to fool?

Figures

Okay, here we go, most anime fans like figures, but which one you buy depends largely on how willing you are to admit to your cousin how low your opinion of them is. If you have some sort of respect for them, consider buying a Nendoroid, they’re cutesy and they even make figures of characters you’ve heard of like Darth Vader and Batman; they’re basically like anime Funko Pops, only not ugly as sin. If you want to make it clear you know just how much they’ve debased themselves, look up figures for franchises like To-Love-Ru and Super Sonico, and pick the one that you think most exemplifies your relationship with them.

Also, try not to get put on a list when shopping for your loved ones.

Video Games

You may think that since the anime fan in your life is likely into video games that this is something you can share common ground on, but the video games you’re into and the video games they’re into are completely different. You like Mortal Kombat, they like Arcana Heart. You like Guitar Hero, they like The iDOLM@STER. You like Wii Sports, they like Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball. Much like the rest of anime, otaku video games are mostly just thinly veiled porn, and do you really want to give your relatives porn?

Hentai

Hey man, it’s up to you I guess.

What a bargain

Cash

Okay, if you really want to get them what they want, just straight up give them money. You don’t really want to brave the depths of sites like TokyoOtakuMode or AmiAmi looking for that weird thing they asked for, just give them money and let them but whatever shit they’re into for themselves, it’ll be less awkward for both parties. Or get them an Amazon gift card, that’s basically just cash anyway.

OXFORD, England – Insomniacs around the world are in deep relief after a recent scientific study has suggested that their problematic lack of sleep can be combated by watching anime, particularly those within the “slice-of-life” genre.

The genre itself can be defined as a melodramatic glimpse into the everyday lives of the portrayed characters, focusing on neither plot, conflict, nor conclusion, but rather on casual dialogue and brief, unenthralling bouts of antics.

The discovery was ultimately the result of an unusual observation, and is the brainchild of Sherry Bovlin, a University of Oxford professor and neurologist researching the pathology of human sleep disorders.

“On weekend evenings my associates and I get together at my place and watch anime and TV shows of all kinds,” Bovlin explained. “On this particular week, we began watching Lucky Star. About 15 minutes into the first episode, however, I noticed that my friend Stan was fast asleep.”

According to Bovlin, Stan is a severe insomniac. It is normally impossible for him to fall asleep without his prescribed sedatives.

“I instantly suspected that something was going on,” Bolvin told Anime Maru.

She immediately capitalized on her discovery, exposing Stan to a variety of slice-of-life series she found in a list on reddit. Recording the time elapsed before Stan fell into a snooze, Bolvin found that the results were consistent on the premise that Stan was able to fall asleep relatively quickly, lasting no more than 1-3 episodes.

After analyzing the results of her experiments, Bovlin was able to draw conclusions and submitted her article to the Journal of Sleep Studies and Light Novel Anime Adaptations, titled Since Viewing and Understanding Slice-of-Life Anime Requires only Marginal Cognitive Input, Cerebral Activity is Lowered Due to the Brain Either Detecting Outright Boredom, and It is this Transition that Triggers the Sleeping State.

Whether you’re watching the perpetual tea party that is K-On!, staring at the scenery of Non Non Biyori, listening to Oreki trying to explain the hidden meaning of ice cream in Hyouka, or simply shutting off your brain for Lucky Star, this phenomenon appears to hold true. The psychological effects of slice-of-life anime are truly fascinating. Even shows like How I Met Your Mother failed to reach these levels of mental alteration.

New FDA regulations have allowed doctors to prescribe slice-of-life anime to treat insomnia, to much success. Common remarks include cost-effectiveness and the opinion that any entertainment is better than staring into space waiting for sleep to kick in.

Using newly granted funding to advance her research, Bovlin is currently investigating anime with a focus on series length and filler content, and their possible sleep-inducing effects, with an emphasis on the popular series One Piece, Naruto, and Bleach.

CONCORD, NH — In an announcement made yesterday, Andrew Lanfeld has finally given up on his dream of being a mangaka after 27 years of trying. In an open letter on his Facebook account, Lanfield expressed regret that his effort and struggle over the past quarter century have come up for naught.

“I’ve finally realised that it’s too late for me to become a rich and famous mangaka like my hero Muto Ashirogi. While I still plan on becoming rich and famous, I’m too old to become a mangaka now,” Lanfeld wrote to the surprise of no one.

Eyewitnesses claim that the 33-year-old former aspiring-mangaka was distraught. Lanfeld started drawing around age six, and by age seven he had stopped drawing and started talking about being an artist instead. Lanfeld dismisses a lack of practice being the source of his poor artistry, insisting that “it just wasn’t meant to be,” and that no amount of hard work or determination could have gotten him closer to his dream.

According to reports from Lanfeld’s teen years, he was already aware that the manga industry was predominantly Japanese, prompting him to study the Japanese language for approximately one month before giving up. Beyond the linguistic and cultural gap, Lanfeld assured his friends and family that his art, that he wasn’t drawing, would be good enough to find him success anywhere.

After a brief period of inactivity lasting about 13 years, Lanfeld finally picked up his pen to begin his career as a rich and famous mangaka. But after several long seconds of scribbling it was clear to Lanfeld that he could not actually draw.

“I just don’t understand! I spent so much time tracing manga, I should be able to draw it!” Lanfeld wrote. “I’ve had all these idea for fantastic original stories that will never be told…”

When pressed about these fantastic original stories, Lanfeld refused to divulge any more information. Many have speculated that these stories are connected to a recently discovered Google Document titled, “My little eyepatch wearing sister is a vampire gothic lolita and has super powers by Andrew Lanfeld”.

“I know I have enough talent to work at Marvel.” Lanfeld proclaimed, “But comics are for manchildren.”

The election may be over, but the controversy surrounding it has hardly given us news organizations time to relax. While most of the media attention has been on President-Elect Donald Trump, drama surrounding former Indiana Governor and Vice President-Elect Mike Pence has stirred, namely regarding Pence’s campaign rhetoric and previous statements regarding professional figure skaters.

Pence has long held the belief that the American public “should oppose any effort to recognize [any figure skater] as an [athlete]”, and that figure skaters should not be allowed to openly show their figuresexuality in public. Pence has even gone so far as to say that figure skaters should receive conversion therapy to be regular citizens working at a roller rink — a place Pence thinks people still go to.

Officials at US Figure Skating, the national governing body for figure skating, were understandably upset by Pence’s remarks. However, the community most outraged — as per usual with any news — were the otaku, particularly fans of this season’s Yuri!!! on Ice.

The anime is about a pro figure skater, Yuuri Katsuki, who struggles with his own figuresexuality after a string of losses until he meets his idol and eventual coach Victor Nikiforov. With Victor, Yuuri learns to be open about his figuresexuality and publicly shares his figuresexuality with Victor. They also have gay sex.

In an act of protest against Pence’s disregard of the status of figure skating as a genuine sport, fans of the show have been pre-ordering copies of the Blu-Rays in Mike Pence’s name. When the first volume of the Blu-Ray is released on December 30th, it is estimated that Pence’s office at 200 W. Washington St., Room 206, Indianapolis, IN 46204 will receive several hundred or possibly thousands of copies of Yuri!!! on Ice. Some fans, however, are planning to wait for Funimation’s English release where it is rumored Josh Grelle, the dubbed voice of Yuuri Katsuki, will come out as figuresexual in a special feature on the disk.

Controversy has rocked the newly announced Crunchyroll Anime Awards as an FBI probe discovered evidence that several studios including David Productions have paid bribes to the award’s designated judges seeking to not have their shows nominated.

Agents raided Crunchyroll’s San Francisco offices last night and discovered several pieces of correspondence from David Productions pleading with the company to not nominate their marquee title JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure: Diamond is Unbreakable.

“After seeing these other nominees we are not very comfortable to be associated with these awards,” a leaked email from David Productions read in part. “We need to reflect on what went wrong with this season of JoJo’s to receive praise from a panel with taste as shit as this.”

Investigators were tipped off by one of the selected panelists for the award who received a bribe of $30,000 and a letter from David Productions which contained the line: “For the sake of our studio’s reputation, please do not have our anime win any of these awards.”

David Production is also known for memorable anime such as Inu x Boku, Ben-To, and Dogs: Bullets & Carnage.

Investigators are concerned this is just the tip of the iceberg — evidence of a grand conspiracy involving bribes and sabotage between several anime studios. Other leads officials are currently pursuing include a mysterious $200,000 payment from Kyoto Animation and a partially decrypted email chain titled “funny ways to prank Tetsuro Araki”.

At press time, Crunchyroll judges have collectively decided to replace JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure with Yuri on Ice, after the check from MAPPA bounced.