In an effort to clean up the content hosted on their website, YouTube has announced plans this week to begin flagging and removing all Anime Vine Compilation videos. YouTube has seen an increase in controversial featured content in recent years leading many to question YouTube’s decisions in regards to content moderation. Videos with misleading titles and questionable thumbnail images commonly display on the site’s home page drawing much criticism from some of YouTube’s older content creators. In response, YouTube has stated that it intends to remove the subcategory of video it feels is the most abusive, Anime Vine Compilations.

According to YouTube, Anime Vine Compilations constitute the most common type of video to violate the YouTube Community Guidelines. Such videos often violate YouTube’s guidelines concerning excessively violent behavior, offensive or hateful speech, sexual content, and failing to demonstrate a bare minimum level of video editing proficiency and originality. YouTube stated that by removing the offending videos they hope to improve the quality of the YouTube community and encourage the demonstration of higher quality content.

“We reviewed site-wide video analytics and found a shockingly high correlation between Anime Vines and abusive content,” revealed YouTube Community Manager Terisa Theinbach. “In addition, we found that a large portion of hateful speech and spam is tied to the comment sections of these videos. By removing these videos we hope to garner a stronger connection with our partners and encourage positivity throughout the YouTube community.”

YouTube additionally revealed that the most common comment spam message, “what anime?”, was overwhelmingly posted on Anime Vine Compilations. The second most common spam message, “boku no pico”, tended to follow such comments in almost all cases. YouTube went on to explain that despite improvements in spam filtering techniques, filtering out such a large quantity of outdated unoriginal jokes is beyond the capabilities of current web technologies. YouTube estimates that by removing the entire videos, over three quarters of global site spam would be eliminated.

Originally with the announcement of Vine’s discontinuation by parent company Twitter, YouTube had predicted that the flow of poorly constructed videos would cease within a matter of weeks. Contrarily, the content only seems to have continued to be uploaded at a consistent pace with no sign of stopping. YouTube suspects that many of the videos are uploaded by internet bots as many of the videos share similar footage and simply rephrase previous video titles.

YouTube has yet to announce how it plans to deal with the recent emergence of “Anime Cracks”, a type of video involving stringing together poorly encoded video clips of anime with overlaid audio from Adam Sandler movies. Rumors speculate that YouTube will simply remove all content related to anime in the near future in order to resolve the ongoing issues moderating user content.

TOKYO, Japan — Between deadly natural hazards and giant lizard attacks, Japan faces another threat: a plummeting population. Within the past decade, fertility rates have hit record lows and the government has been scrambling to encourage people to procreate. Amidst this predicament, the Tokyo University recently launched a research team to determine the underlying causes of this crisis. Their solution pinpointed the blame to a peculiar aspect of otaku culture – virtual reality anime characters.

“Recent developments in virtual reality technology have made the waifu-age closer reality than ever before,” lead researcher Haruto Harumiya explains. “The correlation between birthrates and fictional love interests seemed far-fetched at first, but when we actually started talking, it turned out everyone around the office had a loving waifu or husbando waiting back home. I even remember some people getting into a fistfight when they realized they shared a waifu: Hestia from Danmachi, that two-timing slut.”

“It was a good day at the office, though.”

Harumiya then introduced our reporter to his own virtual partner, Yuno from Hidamari Sketch. “VR technology has finally made it possible to transmit my emotions across this rather sad dimensional gap. If I also use this man-sized, albeit somewhat creepy mannequin I can even touch her cold, plastic-like body. This officially replaces every social interaction I require.”

Careful examination of demographic data concludes that “virtual waifu” lifestyle will ultimately cause the downfall of Japan,” the official report published by the University of Tokyo reads. “Initial estimates show by 2080 Japan will be a post-apocalyptic wasteland inhabited solely by skeletons and mannequins with cheap wigs.”

Harumiya didn’t consider extinction a sad fate, but rather a future they have chosen.

“Frankly, I’ve come to believe that real people are not worth it. They have their own needs and desires and occasionally smell bad. Sometimes they get mad at you over the smallest things. Flaws like that cannot be fixed simply by downloading a patch. Once the people outside Japan realize the possibilities the waifu-age delivers, I believe that all of humanity has no other choice than to perish. Waifus truly are the ultimate beings.”

Addressing the problem of low fertility rates, some waifu-simulators have added the option to model offspring (known as “daughteru”) into existence. This, however, only hastens the inevitable.

YOKOHAMA, Japan — Patrons at the Yokohama Bank Ice Arena are lined up eagerly, many who have been anticipating this night since tickets sold out months ago. They are awaiting the debut of Yuri on Ice on Ice, a new ice show that celebrates the magic of the anime Yuri on Ice. The show is embarking on a worldwide tour over the next two years, with performances scheduled in Sydney, New York, Moscow, and London.

A description of the show from a media guide reads in part:

“TV Asahi presents Yuri on Ice on Ice!Celebrate the most memorable moments of the anime Yuri on Ice with Katsuki Yuri, Victor Nikiforov, and Yuri Plisetsky and embark on a worldwide journey of competitive figure skating and male friendship. You and your family will explore Japan, Russia, China, and ultimately Spain for the ISU World Championship. Join us for a memorable night of song, dance, and tonkatsu ramen that you and your family will cherish forever!”

“I’m really looking forward to this show; I’m especially curious how they will choreograph the hot springs scenes and the figure skating routines,” one attendee told Anime Maru. “I’m even more excited about the ice show adaptation that’s been announced of this ice show: Yuri on Ice on Ice on Ice.”

“My friend offered me tickets to this year’s Grand Prix, but I turned it down. I feel like figure skating competitions don’t really stick to the story.”

As 2017 marks the 35th anniversary of the ever-popular Macross franchise, many fans were left wondering just what its creators would put together to mark the occasion. An original anime and a new video game marked the 30th anniversary in 2012, as well as a series of concerts and other events held to mark the fictional launch of the SDF-02 Mega Road, the successor to the Macross that was later lost in space alongside most of the TV series’ main cast.

While many observers expected there to be news of a new TV anime, Macross creator and mechanical designer Shoji Kawamori shocked fans around the world when he took the stage at a recent press conference.

“For over three decades I’ve been involved in overseeing stories that saw violence and hatred put to a stop by the power of togetherness, love, and, most importantly, music,” the 56-year-old screenwriter said. “With that in mind, for the 35th anniversary of the original Macross, we will send an actual idol into space to preform a concert to warm the hearts of people across the globe.”

Kawamori specified that a contest — similar to those held to find voice actresses for Lyn Minmay and Ranka Lee — for the star of this new endeavor will take place in the coming months.

“We want the experience to be authentic, so we will only be sending a single girl to space for the concert,” added Kawamori.

“Too many idols dancing on stage at once would ruin the experience, Idols should be able to connect to the people’s souls and having more then one of them is just silly and takes time away from each other.”

Auditions will occur in the spring of this year, while the concert will be available everywhere in the world, except the United States.

Today’s guest post is brought to you by 8andahalfby11

BATAVIA, IL –The United States Department of Energy released a statement this afternoon claiming that researchers are still hopeful about locating an “isekai” — also known as an alternate world — even as the search enters its sixth year without results.

Speaking to reporters at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory, Dr. Albert Porchowsky insisted that the latest models of quantum mechanics predicts the existence of alternate worlds like those depicted in Re: Zero and Konosubarashii Sekai ni Shukufuku wo!

“Our top researchers feel that finding a quantum wormhole to an isekai is only a matter of time,” Porchowsky claims.

Isekai research has been growing in popularity since late 2008 when a Japanese team, inspired by Inuyasha, began studies into the existence of alternate universes as a response to the Global Financial Crisis. Since then, academic and government institutions around the world have invested heavily in particle research in hopes of opening a portal to a fantasy land filled with easy-to-recognize RPG tropes.

Research has been buoyed by strong government from the past two presidential administrations. Secretary of Defense James Mattis, who is a big fan of Gate: Jieitai Kanochi nite, Kaku Tatakaeri.

So far, no physical evidence of any isekai has been found. Progress has been slow due to the technical complexity of the project, along with a lack of communication between the Department of Energy and foreign research groups who are tackling the same problem.

“We’re almost certain that Japan has given up and is constructing their own Isekai using locations from Sword Art Online as a template” Porchowsky said. “We also think that the Europeans have had results with their own quantum investigations, but they aren’t talking to us.”

Anime Maru reached out to the European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) for comment and received an automated response asking us to stop pestering them with Steins;Gate questions.

Valentine’s Day is an important event for couples all across the world. While dealing with the affections of just one female can be quite the challenge, what about those of us who strive for the holy grail of relationships: the almighty harem? Not to worry, for while it may seems unwieldy to handle this hailstorm of female affections, through years of research we have you covered for making sure you make it through this critical holiday with your harem intact.

The Goal

The most important part of maintaining a harem on Valentine’s Day is to never pick just one girl to focus your attention on. Commitment is the enemy of all harem holders. Make sure you never commit to anything. Miss meet-up times, never acknowledge anyone’s feelings, and keep each girl teetering on the edge of that romantic cliff. The excitement comes from the chase, so this is the only way you are going to keep them interested in a boring shell of a human being such as yourself. Trust me on this one.

Preparing for the Day

The best way to prepare for this very special day is to use the one tried and true method: don’t. In fact, it would be best for you to not even acknowledge the importance of this day at all. Just wear whatever you wore yesterday and wander out the door like the blissfully unaware fool that you are. When you get to class, your classmates will likely be giddily discussing who they may hope to receive chocolates from. Just take a seat at your desk and let out a sigh, commenting to your best friend that you probably won’t be receiving any chocolates this year. If you don’t have any friends then you can just sit at the back of the room and mutter this to yourself.

Receiving Chocolates

When you inevitably receive chocolates from a member of your harem it is important to accept them in a proper manner. When a girl gives you chocolates, take one piece and proceed to chew it slowly with no initial reaction. This dramatic pause is important as she will be staring at you trying to gauge your response. Then, after taking far too long for a normal person to chew a single piece of chocolate, tilt your head slightly to the side, close your eyes, smile, and exclaim in a content tone, “oishii!” If you did this correctly then the backdrop behind you should become sparkly and colorful. Your female companion will take note and will become flustered if you did this correctly.

It is imperative that you always say that the chocolates are good no matter the taste. Chances are that tsundere girl that stalks you throughout the day will give you some nasty chocolate she somehow managed to dump a whole cup of salt into. I don’t know how she keeps screwing up everything so badly, but make sure you eat that salty abomination just as enthusiastically as all the others. If a particularly clumsy girl trips, breaking the chocolate she intended to give to you all over the ground, be sure to pick up a piece and repeat the exact same method.

Dealing With a Confession

Girls may take the opportunity of this day to attempt a confession. In order to maintain a harem, it is important that none of these confessions end of making it through. If they did, one of the girls might actually get closer to you and discover what a bland uninspiring human being you actually are. We can’t take that risk.

The most dangerous of these is the childhood friend whose legitimate feelings for you could compromise the entire harem. Luckily, chances are if you have a harem then you are probably such a dense sack of bricks that you haven’t even realized it yet. Seriously, how have you not noticed by now?

Regardless, you should make sure make your day as inconvenient for possible confessions. Be near groups of people as much as possible and when you are walking alone in the hallway make sure to get sidetracked as often as you can. Make commitments with club members and teachers, but don’t follow up with them later in the day. That way you will be constantly getting called over while walking through the halls. That girl waiting around the corner will never get the chance. Another popular method is to stretch out any encounters you have so they are interrupted by the school period bell. Make an excuse about how you don’t want to be late and dart out of there before she can finish her statement.

Hopefully with these methods you won’t screw this up like you screwed up everything else in your life. Now get out there and make me proud.

[For our readers who are no longer students, unfortunately we do not have any record of a harem surviving out of school life. Fortunately, there is plenty of software out there to simulate the school setting in a virtual environment if this is the case.]

Since 2016 Studio Deen has been in charge of the anime adaptation of the popular light novel series Kono Subarashii Sekai ni Shukufuku Wo. Despite a long history in the industry stretching back into the 1970’s, the studio has a dubious reputation for inconsistent animation work. Multiple projects have been plagued by noticeable animation deficiencies, examples including Ranma 1/2, Fate/stay night, Weiß Kreuz, and others.

KonoSuba, meanwhile, has received a generally positive response among fans who are impressed with the  production values, claiming it makes the series look “more unique”. The staff, meanwhile, are confident that they won’t let this unfamiliar praise affect them.

“We used to get a lot of complaints about off-model characters and messy looking animation”, an animator told Anime Maru. “When we realized the fans found the quality funny, the entire situation completely reversed.”

“We’re getting orders to implement more and more bad quality into this series to keep fans happy. At this point we’re aiming to make the animation as ironically as bad as possible.”

According to insiders, the episode next week will have a special focus on ironically bad directing, supposedly reflected in the high amount of still images, uninspiring camera-angles and characters just standing around most of the time. The following episode will take the irony even further and air just unfinished storyboards with audio completely reused from the earlier episodes.

So far it’s unclear how deep the rabbit hole goes, but wild speculation suggests it’s entirely possible that Studio Deen will “accidentally” forget to finish producing the final episodes of the season. As the irony is hitting levels previously thought to be impossible, the future of KonoSuba is at stake.

Outside KonoSuba Studio Deen is planning to utilize the bad quality on other series too, as the studio has suddenly discovered a way to turn their weaknesses into profit. The official statement from Studio Deen is that “series is not actually bad if it’s just being ironic”.

At 83 volumes, 774 episodes and counting, One Piece is the most prolific series in the anime and manga industry. With other long-form series such as Bleach and Naruto ending in the past few years, speculation has been mounting that One Piece is nearing its conclusion as well.

However, series creator, Eiichiro Oda, has a different kind of ending in mind.

“A short while ago, I looked back on the past decade and realized what I had built up. I saw the great saga that I had unfolded for the world to see,” Oda told Anime Maru. I suddenly became very worried about the future and safety of my legacy, and what would happen after I am no longer here.”

Oda began consulting various therapists, who all recommended that Oda seek closure on his written work. They suggested that a proper conclusion would be what both he and his fans would want the most. This advice could not convince Oda, who then resorted to “drastic measures”.

Oda disclosed that he is currently in a partnership with Anaheim Electronics, an emerging technology contractor. Using their experimental and classified “Psycoframe” technology, Oda is currently duplicating his personality and memories onto an artificial intelligence program, which will activate when Oda’s vital signs cease, and resume Oda’s duty as a mangaka.

“Now my doubts can be laid to rest”, remarks Oda. “Whatever the distant future holds, I leave it to Oda 2.0.”

TOKYO, Japan — Japan sits in an awkward state of being a country with an incredibly diverse and active LGBT community while also giving little rights to said community. There are no anti-discrimination laws, marriage is not recognized (even if done outside of Japan), and there are no routes for adoption or parental surrogacy. Much of Japan’s LGBT community, however, are able to express their identity through entertainment such as LGBT themed cafes, nightclubs, manga, and anime.

There have been several instances of certain anime supporting group causes, such as the “Tentacle Love is True Love” movement, the fetishist movement, and the controversial “Your Sister Really Is That Cute, Go For It” movement. The specifically, the Fall 2016 season showed progress towards recognition of gay ice skaters, flip-flop sandals, and high school girls who blow things. According to some reports, Japanese anime fans started questioning “if anybody is even straight anymore”.

Yuri!! on Ice specifically has received praise from Japan’s LGBT community, which stated that “finally everyone knows that being in a male sports anime makes you canonically gay.” Others praised the increase in lesbian relationships in anime such as Flip Flappers, Hibike! Euphonium 2, and Shuumatsu no Izetta, stating “they’re girls, if they’re not doing gay things at each other then what are they good for?”, while shows such as Gundam: Iron Blooded Orphans 2 kept the guy-on-guy tension at a peak.

The current season, — while not lacking in homoerotic media — is almost entirely filled with sequels: something that’s not sitting right in the stomachs of Japan’s LGBT community.

“No one even wanted Super Lovers 2,” commented one avid seasonal watcher. “It was refreshing at first, but I’d really like to see LGBT representation from foreign countries other than Canada as well. And Spiritpact? Honestly, it’s just really similar to this other show, Ling Qi, it’s almost as if they’re the exact same thing…”

“No progress can be made with sequels, because everybody already knows how gay they are” said one fan. “The trick is to surprise them with how gay the show actually is… such is the struggle of living in a post- Yuri!! on Ice world.”

Astronomers working with the Spritzer Space Telescope have announced this week the discovery of not one, not two — but seven Earthlike planets orbiting a star 40 light-years away from Earth. The announcement has garnered significant excitement for not only the possibility of alien life, but also for the seven totally adorable planets in this exciting star system.

“Usually star systems we find have a few gas giants, maybe an Earthlike, a handful of drawf planets, the token binary planet, and sometimes a mini-Neptune to satisfy the perverted ones,” said Caroline DeMassay, lead researcher at NASA’s Spritzer Space Center. “To have a system with seven Earthlikes? That’s pushing the envelope right there.”

“It truly is an amazing discovery; a huge step in the search for life outside of our world. I am personally a fan of planet D,” Steven Reimer, a researcher at Cambridge University told Anime Maru. “Planet C is moe, but D is my waifu.” However, not all scientists agree with Reimer’s statement.

“Planet E best planet!,” exclaimed a group of scientists at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory. “Your planet is shit.”

According to observations, while three of the planets are likely in the star’s “habitable zone”, the inner planets B and C are likely rocky planets that lack an atmosphere. “Only lolicon like B and C, those sick fucks,” commented Andrew Noringen of the University of Copenhagen, a contributor to the study and leading advocate of the “ExG ship”.

Rumors have already surfaced that animation production company Silver Link is in preliminary talks to create a harem system anime about the planets. A poll conducted by Akiba Souken shows that the most popular planets online are B and D, followed by C.

As of press time, some fans became nervous upon learning the name of the exoplanet system: TRAPPIST-1 — though some others became even more excited.

LOS ANGELES, CA — Shocked and embarrassed, avid figurine collector Glen W. was laughed out yesterday from the 12th annual Anime Figure Collectors’ Convention.

Showing up with a hysterical and pitiful collection of nothing but Nendoroids, Glen was immediately met with waves of laughs, jeers, and flat-out mockery among collectors and distributors alike. As he tried to interact with fellow collectors, he soon found that most of the community had snubbed him for his tastes in figures.

We talked to some patrons and distributors who had this to say:

What a riot! This was totally the highlight of my week! it started out as a normal day: I got up after a wonderful night’s rest sleeping with my Kirino body pillow, brushed my teeth with my limited-edition Evangelion Toothbrush Kit™, and after a hearty breakfast of toast, had my mom drive me down to the convention while I successfully dodged her nagging about when I would go to college and get a job, only to find upon arriving that some giant loser brought in his lame-ass collection of Nendos! It was hysterical! Of course I immediately mocked him for being the giant loser that he is for thinking that we collectors even register nendos as real figs! He could learn a thing or two from my impressive collection of scales that I bought with my birthday and allowance money…

-Will T.

I had just got done successfully removing the apron off of a blonde child vampire girl, despite it not being a cast-off, when I saw this weirdo stroll in trying to pass off his normie collection of nendos as a real figure collection. Of course I laughed at him and how strange his collection was.  I told my girlfriend (my bikini Asuna figure) about this weird guy and we had a good laugh, or course after I posed her to look like she was laughing…

-Jeremy S.

This statement has been delayed until November 2018

-Alter

Glen was last reported seen spending all his time at the Good Smile Company booth.

Crunchyroll announced this week that it will begin testing the use of its new Java-based video player for streaming all site content. The announcement came in response to concerns from users regarding the performance of the site’s current Flash-based video player. With web standards moving away from proprietary formats such as Flash and the plug-ins due to relatively inefficient browser performance, Crunchyroll has begun to look into alternatives in order to improve user experience.

“I remember when I was back in college, I kept hearing about how Java was all the rage,” a Crunchyroll developer told Anime Maru. “We’ve received complaints from many users about poor performance in our Flash video player so this seemed like the perfect opportunity to give our users something they have always asked for. It’s even named after coffee, how cool is that!”

Crunchyroll cited the success of popular online role-playing game Runescape, whose game engine was constructed in Java; millions of players logged into the game during its peak. Crunchyroll stated that with such a history it figures having a Java video player handle a few thousand weebs should be no problem at all. Crunchyroll added that initial testing on Dan’s Alienware laptop in the breakroom had already gone very well. The project has since been handed off to Crunchyroll interns with an expected completion time of a few weeks.

Crunchyroll expects its viewership to rise with the announcement and has begun website infrastructure upgrades in anticipation. Website hosting will be moved from the Compaq laptop balanced at the end of the company’s coffee table to an iPad one of the marketing guys left charging in the meeting room. Crunchyroll stated that the infrastructure upgrades should allow them to hypothetically serve “literally dozens of viewers before the site locks up.”

Crunchyroll will begin allowing its premium members to participate in beta testing the Java player in approximately two weeks. After which, the player will become the default for all visitors on the site. In order to begin using the new player, users are asked to make sure that they have updated Java on their computers to Version 8 Update 526.

“It’s Not Like I Want You Look at These 17 Hilarious Pictures of Taylor Swift Eating Pancakes or Anything…,” one article title reads.

“Take This Quiz to Find Out What Brand of Dish Soap You Should Use — Or Don’t; You’re Probably Too Stupid Anyway”, reads another.

It’s the year 2017, and the internet is flooded with overused memes and countless different outlets each competing for the attention of the ever-shortening attention span of web surfers. Websites such as Upworthy and 9GAG compete with clickbait articles, each striving to go “viral” with more sensationalist thumbnails and enticing headlines than the next. But even in this most insipid market, there is room for innovation.

“Traditional clickbait focuses on articles with alluring titles, almost begging to be clicked,” Buzzfeed editor Meghan Rotisser told Anime Maru. “Our research shows that users react more positively when headlines are cold or even hostile.”

Initial Buzzfeed testing with clicktsundere articles was first met with mixed reactions. Readers were often confused as to why the articles were always so harsh to them, wondering if it was perhaps something they did. Surprisingly, readers only seemed to be drawn more to each article as they continued to be persistently abusive.

The findings seem paradoxical — why would readers seek out articles that seem so aloof to them?

“I guess readers are attracted to a strong-willed article, that deep down inside has an endearing side.”

“They’re just so enticing,” commented one avid reader. “Clickbait these days always seem desperate for attention, but I can tell when certain articles are just trying to hide their true feelings.” He then returned to clicking on a headline berating him for not knowing how to make $297 per hour with one simple trick.

At press time, Buzzfeed’s latest article “Stupid Reader, It’s Not Like I’m Showing You This Inspirational Story of a Kid Who Dresses Up as a Firetruck Because We Desperately Need Your Traffic and Advertising Revenue to Survive or Anything! Don’t Get the Wrong Idea, Baka!” was trending with 2.8 million shares in just over 3 hours.

Hiroyuki Itoh
Crypton Future Media

Yeah, you fucking trash weeb. I’m talking to you. We have the ultimate cash cow here, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

We know Project Diva X was shit, but you depressed fucks still bought it and played it. And we’ll keep doing the same. Future Tone is literally just a rip of our arcade games! It took us zero effort to make, and you pillow fuckers will still pay top dollar for it. This is too easy. I hope you know that at this point we’re trying to see how shitty we can make a game that you’ll still pay $60 for. It’s a challenge to us.

The game is just some MikuMikuDance sequences slapped together with some character models our team did over lunch. Throw on some button icons and outfit unlocks and now we’ve got a goddamn goldmine. But as long as you creeps can still play dress-up games with virtual Miku then I guess it doesn’t even matter what we do anymore.

Hell, even Vocaloid itself was too easy. It was a voice program that no one wanted until we got some unpaid intern to draw a fucking anime girl on it, then all of you motherfuckers went crazy for it. We swapped the hair colors and pitched bended some audio and now we have a whole lineup of these damn things. The best part is that you actually think these robotic script readers actually sound good. I can’t even understand what they are saying half the time, but I suppose you fucking weebs will go for anything that just has a few Japanese words in it.

Next I think we’ll just start splitting up the game and sell it as overpriced DLC. Can you imagine that? A bunch of shitty vocaloid music videos that you could watch online for free and you morons will still probably pay for it. Maybe even for those of you who are too brain dead to push buttons to screen prompts we’ll even charge money to unlock all the in-game items for you. Other companies get grilled for this but I bet you gullible fuckers will buy it up anyways. Keep buying weebs, I can’t wait to see how much we bank off of this release.

Following the announcement at this year’s Wonder Festival that Good Smile is planning on releasing a line of Nendoroids based on various Disney and Pixar characters, rival figurine company Funko made their own announcement that they have just licensed the popular Japanese mobile game Kantai Collection for a line of their popular Funko Pop figures.

“We’ve delved into anime figures before with our Attack on Titan and Sword Art Online lines, and we decided that if Good Smile is going to edge in on our territory, we’d better edge further into theirs,” Funko representative Steven Keming told Anime Maru. “Since like half of all Nendoroids seem to be based on Kancolle, and since we already have a Hatsune Miku Funko Pop, it seemed like a natural next step.”

“We’re not super familiar with Kancolle, but considering how many Nendoroids [Good Smile Company] have made of the series it must be tremendously popular worldwide,” Keming continued. “We’ve already got an adorable prototype of Shimakaze with our trademark horrifying beady eyes, and we’re planning the initial line at 10 figures that we’re going to flood the market with.”

Funko has also announced plans on expanding their anime selection. A company spokesperson stated that after careful research into Good Smile Company’s products, and anime that are popular here in America, Funko plans to license series such as Bungo Stray Dogs, Strike Witches, and Touken Tanbu -ONLINE-.

“We think we can put our trademark Funko spin on these popular characters, but honestly people seem to buy whatever random crap we put out, so we’re not too worried.”

Kancolle fans have reacted to this announcement with horror and disgust, but admitted that they’ll probably still buy the figures anyway.

KILGORE, TX — As the credits roll in the latest episode of Chaos;Child, Walter Newman solemnly reflects upon his duty as the only person around who knows what the hell is going on in the currently airing show from Silver Link.

Newman, a 52-year-old accountant who lives alone, tells Anime Maru that he first learned of his gift several weeks ago, when he was able to make informed statements about the plot and name several of the characters while watching an episode with friends.

“My friends were all taken aback by how I could explain what as going on with those 3-faced Buddha stickers,” Newman recalls. “I didn’t think it was a big deal, but they were just blown away by the fact I remembered the characters’ names.”

Word of Newman’s knowledge spread, and now people come from far and wide to visit Newman and seek his guidance. Newman, who grew out a beard and started dressing in robes, estimates he sees 10 to 20 people a day.

“At first I was blind; I could not see past the show’s insipid and endless dialogue delivered by nearly comatose characters,” Ashley Morrison, who made a 200 mile pilgrimage to Newman’s home, tells Anime Maru. “But now it makes sense, I get what’s happening in the anime. I see the light. Show still sucks, though.”

According to Newman himself, the key is to actually watch the show; he notes that his friends often appear to be in some kind of fugue state during episodes that they watch together. “I guess not everyone can handle the esoteric intensity of Chaos;Child,” says Newman.

When asked why his followers don’t just read the episode synopses on Crunchyroll, Newman calmly brushed the question away.

“Do I feel blessed by this gift? I suppose, but it’s also a great responsibility. I and I alone must carry this burden of letting the world know what’s going on in this godforsaken show,” Newman states. “It actually comes together quite beautifully — you see, it all takes place six years after the New Generation Madness which was covered in Chaos;Head. So this club is curious and wants to investigate and finds this mu…”

At this point our local correspondent lost interest and left the room.

In a shocking discovery, MyAnimeList user Darren Mackenzie found an anime review he posted to the site over a year ago to still have exactly zero people that have found it helpful. Word of the event quickly spread, and a plethora of media outlets quickly responded.

“I just don’t understand,” Mackenzie told Anime Maru. “I thought it was a mistake at first, but it really did say zero people. I was sure it was one of my better reviews when I posted it. I thought at least one person would find it helpful by now, since the show I wrote it for was so popular at the time.”

The review, posted under the username Ikari_Shinji37, was for the anime Elfen Lied. The review rated the show at a 9 out of a possible 10, seemingly weighing categories such as plot, art, sound, music, characters, conclusion, and enjoyment equally. Mackenzie praised the show for its complex themes, depth, and symbolism juxtaposed with the show’s well-known gore and fanservice, as well as its lack of plot holes. Despite all these redeeming qualities, the review has still yet to garner the attention of even a single user, much to the despair of its author.

“It really hurts your confidence, you know?” Mackenzie said. “It makes me feel as if no one even cares about my opinions or what my top 10 favorite anime are. It’s like I wrote that 18-paragraph biography on my profile page for nothing!”

Other notable features of Mackenzie’s MAL profile at the time included rating shows before actually having completed them, zero users on his friends list, manga stats with a days counter over 50 times smaller than the Anime Stats, and not having rated a single show below a 7/10.

Mackenzie had sincerely believed in his review-writing ability, and had expected the review to beat his previous record of three people to have found it helpful.

“Why do other reviews get all the attention anyway?” at this point Mackenzie began crying.

“Those dumb sarcastic reviews that give out 10’s to awful shows are liked by thousands of people! Mars of Destruction is only a 7 at best!”

“No one appreciates all the work I put into my account; I’ve been a member for years, and I’ve meticulously thought out my anime rating system! I even enjoy premium extras as a MAL supporter! Why haven’t I even gotten a single comment on my profile yet?” Mackenzie then unburied his face from his body pillow. “I should really just give up on writing reviews…”

Mackenzie was reportedly last seen aiming to become a respectable user with a mean score lower than 5.00, and making an anime recommendation for one show completely unrelated to the other.

07th Expansion, originally a doujin-circle focused on visual novels, has announced on Twitter this week that they plan to create a new installment for the popular When they Cry series, scheduled to enter production in 2017. This tweet was followed by another sudden announcement: the next installment will be drawn entirely by 8-year-old Jason Henson, of Abbeville, South Carolina, a child without any previous artistic experience. According to author Ryukhisi07, this decision was made to please the demanding fans of the series.

“The art of the series has always been a topic of debate,” Ryukhisi07 told Anime Maru.

“I used to draw the sprites myself, but got a lot of negative feedback. Fans complained aboutcharacters having ‘boxing gloves’ for hands and ‘overall horrible anatomy’, but aside a few missing fingers I thought I did a pretty solid job.”

As a response to all the negative feedback, the studio hired a professional artist to draw the sprites for the PlayStation 3 port of Umineko no Naku Koro Ni, but unexpectedly, the PlayStation 3 art got even more angry responses than the original sprites drawn by Ryukhisi07. Even thought the new sprites now had the proper amount of fingers, the top review on PlayStation Network claimde the game lacked the same “emotion” and “authenticity” the original sprites had, making the game “soulless”.

“Then there’s the matter of the recent Umineko Steam release — I tried to strike some balance between the older sprites and the new generic looking art, and the reaction from the fanbase was like they had just witnessed the birth of Satan. We had to include the option to play using the old sprites so that the angry fans wouldn’t burn our homes in unjustified anger.”

Ryukhisi07 eventually noticed that even the fans had now lost sight of what they were criticizing: forums started to be filled with strange, complicated critique that ultimately amounted to random adjectives seemingly taken out of the context, like “sulky”, “cold”, and “thirsty”. Some fans even stated that they didn’t have a proper word invented to describe the contempt they felt towards the art.

“I just knew there was something wrong with the art”, a fan that wished to remain anonymous commented.

“There was something that couldn’t even be put into proper words, like the eerie feeling you get when you stare down a void. You just instinctively know there are countless of horrors lurking in the depths of that darkness. The art somehow managed to transmit this complicated feeling of indescribable terror of nearly cosmic proportions.”

Exclusive promotional art from the upcoming ‘When They Cry’ game, illustrated by Henson.

Eventually Ryukhisi07 came up with a solution. “We thought about this for a while and decided that the most ‘authentic’, ‘fiery’, and ‘crisp’ experience would be to have a child with no artistic experience whatsoever to draw all the illustrations for the upcoming work,” the veteran game designer explained.

“I miss the days when criticism was just complaining about how bad the art is. Nowadays we get all this complicated feedback. How does ‘too clean’ translate to any valid criticism? How am I supposed to draw the characters in a ‘less clean’ way? By this move, we wish to return back to those distant simpler times when the characters barely looked like humans.”

Following the release of episode 10 of the anime adaptation of Fuuka, readers of the manga were outraged to learn that the adaptation had removed the nonsensical twist of the lead heroine being hit by a truck and dying in the middle of the story, and went onto social media to protest Diomedea’s apparent attempts to improve the story.

“The only reason I’ve been following this show week to week is to see people’s reactions when Truck-kun arrived.” Reddit user M0thertruckr posted in the weekly discussion thread. “Then after 9 episodes when he finally shows up the driver stops the car before hitting her! It’s not fair, these poor anime-only viewers will never get the chance to suffer like I have!”

“Now the plot’s going in a totally different direction, and we’re never gonna get to all the even more absurd twists from the manga! We’ll never meet the 2^nd Fuuka whose dad is the truck driver that killed the first Fuuka, or the 3^rd Fuuka who got plastic surgery to look identical to the first Fuuka and pretend to be her. I’m not kidding, these are actual characters that make up the main love triangle of the story! This isn’t what I signed on for, I was promised ridiculous melodrama and now I’m only getting base-level melodrama!”

In response to this fan outrage, Diomedea has released an official statement:

“First off, we would like to put to rest the idea that we made this change in order to make the story better in any way. The only reason we bought the rights to Fuuka was so that we could make people suffer in the same way that Seo Kouji has. Unfortunately, we quickly realized that not only was everyone spoiling the twist with ‘sly’ jokes, but as it turns out we didn’t actually have any anime-only viewers to begin with. Our only option was to fake you all out by pulling a reverse-twist, and going off the reactions we’ve gotten it’s worked spectacularly. While we doubt we’ll be able to create a new ending as bullshit as the original manga, we’re certainly looking forward to trying!”

Earlier this week, popular on-demand anime streaming site Crunchyroll was hit with massive community backlash after members of the community carefully analyzing encoding methods uncovered a shocking revelation. They found that despite being a site literally dedicated to streaming content, videos created by Crunchyroll featuring original editorial content are hosted on YouTube.

The videos feature Crunchyroll staff such as Reina Scully, Victoria Holden, and Elliot Trinidad talking about various topics, including recommending anime or explaining common tropes to filthy casuals.

“Crunchyroll hosting editorial videos on YouTube is deliberate cost-cutting at the expense of paying customers,” a thread claims on reddit’s /r/anime board. “Crunchyroll is literally a website that streams content — why are these videos on YouTube?”

User proved their accusations by posting comparison screenshots clearly showing episodes of “Anime Academy” and “Q Review” with the YouTube user interface, rather than the Crunchyroll user interface. A detailed technical analysis of the encoding standard — combined with looking at the URL — further confirmed these videos were indeed on YouTube.

Highly damning smoking gun evidence that Crunchyroll staff videos are hosted on YouTube

Angry users denounced the site’s unethical business practices, claiming that the majority of users would never have noticed the charade had it not been exposed. Other commenters claimed they had always noticed the videos were on YouTube and it has been bothering them for months, and that this revelation was the “final straw”.

“We are paying customers, and we deserve to watch Crunchyroll’s videos on Crunchyroll!” one comment read.

“I don’t quite understand what all the fuss is about but I’m going back to fansubs,” said another.

The anime community was left confused as to why Crunchyroll would cede traffic and therefore revenue to YouTube, especially since the official Crunchyroll YouTube channel the content is hosted on has fewer than 100 thousand subscribers.

“It’s like the Google Pixel phone not using Android, or Amazon selling stuff on eBay — it just doesn’t make sense,” an anonymous anime fan told Anime Maru. “Crunchyroll is a website that streams videos. It’s literally all they do!”

Crunchyroll was unavailable for comment, and has yet to make a statement about this incident. Meanwhile, some observers have pointed out that Crunchyroll’s Youtube videos have exquisite image quality.